


Nothing Comes Easy

by worldturtling



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Child Death, Social Worker Dean, Teacher Benny, Therapy, child parentification (alluded), therapist anna
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 18:32:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1909359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worldturtling/pseuds/worldturtling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His line of work takes a toll on every aspect of his life. Become the job and it eats you up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing Comes Easy

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fix-up from a fic I posted on tumblr, changed a few things and added some other small details.

His line of work takes a toll on every aspect of his life. Become the job and it eats you up.

Sometimes Dean comes home with a scratch from his face by a parent not yet in cuffs.

Sometimes he comes home slumped down with files of paperwork he has to sort through. On those nights Benny sits across from him with the inevitable stack of papers he needs to grade and they work together through the night in silence.

Sometimes Dean comes back with an aching back and pronounced stress lines on his face and he shuts himself in their sole bathroom for some bath tub time. Maybe Benny is making fried okra at the moment or something else that smells like home and familiarity and it wafts through the locked bathroom door.

One night Dean doesn’t come home. He can’t make it. Benny finds him at the local bar and takes him home and Dean trashes his one year sober chip That was one of the worst days.

-

Every time Victor shows up in his office, he knows it won’t be a good day. 

-

One day, he loses a kid.

It was all a Lady in White horror story. She thinks she’s doing what’s best for them. 

Dean was at the door with Victor when he heard the gunshot, and then doors were being broken in and a child’s body fell from the staircase to cut the space right in front of Dean. He laid on the floor like a limp doll. 

"I’m doing the best I can," the mother yells at them before Victor’s tackling her down. Dean can’t take his eyes away from the kid’s face.

Victor makes sure Dean gets home safe at the end of the day, and he sees Benny exchange nods with him from the open door but he can’t bring himself to explain why Victor is dropping him off or why Dean can’t meet Benny’s eyes just at that moment.

-

Benny doesn’t know all the details, of course he doesn’t and Dean would never share them in depth with him. Benny has to deal with kids every day. Dean can’t imagine staring into all those faces and being wary of the background and home environment of each one.

"I was looking into adoption agencies today," Benny says over their dinner leftover green bean casserole.

And yeah, they talked about kids.

When they signed civil union certificates, they talked about kids. On their improvised honeymoon night at a half off beach side hotel in winter, they talked about kids. When they first started dating, Dean talked about wanting a family, and so did Benny.

It stopped after a while. Benny had a teacher’s salary. And Dean…

"You know we can’t afford that." Dean tells him in all the caustic manner of ways. 

But that wasn’t the only reason. It was a big reason, but only behind a flood of other tiny ones that could probably outnumbered pores on his body.

Benny doesn’t respond, can tell Dean’s not in a good mood probably. Probably isn’t in a good one himself anymore. Benny goes to sleep early, and by the time Dean gets there, he’s already fast asleep and hugging his own corner. Dean can’t sleep.

-

Anna is the only person he spills everything to. 

In his therapist’s office, there is one window, and most days Dean asks for the curtain to remain shut. 

"Have you told your partner about the incidence?" She asks after Dean spends half an hour explaining the death of an innocent child, the dreams that followed it, the insomnia that followed those. It doesn’t matter what he tells her, she never flinches. Dean scoffs.

"No. I love him, even if I am a shit husband to him lately, but he doesn’t deserve to have that kind of fucked up stuff in his head. No one does."

"Do you think you do?" Dean mulls over that question. Because at it’s root is why he chose social work. Why did he get into this line of work, this degree. It wasn’t an easy course and it sure as fuck wasn’t an easy first five years.

He shakes his head.

"That kid deserved to be safe." 

"Yes, he did. And you did too when you were his age." Dean looks up at Anna, who is staring at him with that same expressive calm that makes Dean believe, if only for a moment, if he were to share and express all his feelings and secrets he’d feel lighter somehow.  

"Benny still wants kids. After everything," he laughs and it hurts to listen to himself.

"If he loves you, Dean, I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to be alone with these thoughts either."

-

In a box, in their attic, is a mug. It says #1 mom in red and yellow finger paint. Sam made it when he was five. He gave it to Dean when Dean was nine. 

At age twenty four, Dean broke the mug into 19 different shards. He hasn’t recovered all the pieces, but most of them still lay in that box next to several old pictures of their mom, and a necklace Sam once gave to Dean.

Anna told him yes, it was okay Dean still wanted to keep it. 

-

"How was the visit?" Benny asks him. Benny picks him up from Wednesday appointments once a week. It’s always late enough that they just miss rush hour traffic home, and usually they’ll grab something cheap to eat on the way there. Dean doesn’t really feel hungry right now though.

Benny’s grip on the steering wheel is lax as ever. He’s got his sunglasses on though, and he doesn’t turn to look at Dean as he gets in the car. Even his tone sounds impersonal, which is a strain for Benny who can’t help his accent’s lull and pull into a false friendly feeling. Hearing it sound so careful makes Dean’s stomach clench

"He told me I should quit smoking," Dean tries to crack a joke. Benny snorts accordingly.

"It’s true. Last thing we need is you getting cancer." he says. The truth behind it stings. Not that Dean was a chain smoker, just an occasional one. Benny had quit years ago. He didn’t tell Dean to stop. Dean went on the balcony if he did it. 

Neither of them really talked about it.

"I’m sorry about last night," it’s not a great apology. It doesn’t mean anything is explained.

Benny takes his hand anyway, and twines their fingers together.

"I know."

-

Benny,Dean, and Victor are the only ones at the child’s funeral. Benny holds Dean’s hand through the whole thing. 

-

Sometimes he just needs to remember to breathe. 


End file.
